No Beach to Walk On
by Louise Hargadon
Summary: Oneshot. Everyone loves a party, and the crew of the Enterprise are no exception. But for Yeoman Janice Rand, one too many brandies lead her to an action that changes the whole course of her life... Jim/Janice whump


_**A/N:**_ _This story has been floating around in the back of my mind for a few years now, and I thought it was finally time to get it on the page. I absolutely adore_ **Janice Rand** _'s character, it's such a shame she was only in a few episodes. I really loved the relationship between her and_ **Jim Kirk** _as well, and this is just my little take on what on earth could have happened to make Janice leave the Enterprise so suddenly. As if nobody saw it coming...!_

 _ **Disclaimer:**_ **Star Trek** _was developed by_ **Gene Roddenberry** _. I own nothing but a lot of feelings about a starship-full of characters._

 **No Beach to Walk On**

Janice sat up straight in bed. Her knees were hunched up to her chest, arms folded on top of her knees. Slowly, she lowered her head until her chin rested on her arm.

 _What have you done?_

She hadn't meant for it to happen. This was not the reason she had enrolled in Starfleet. She wanted to see the galaxy, to help people on other planets – because no matter which planet they were from, she truly believed that all people were still people, and they all needed to be helped and understood. She had plans. She had ambitions. She was going to be a starship captain herself one day She had never for a moment reckoned on this.

 _You little fool!_

She remembered the first time she met him. The USS Enterprise was her first assignment. She had graduated from the Starfleet Academy and the butterflies in her stomach had almost made her sick as she lined up with her fellow crew members to meet their captain for the first time. As soon as she saw him walking into the room, she felt her cheeks flushing almost the same colour as her uniform.

"Janice Rand. Yeoman. Number O753-835JR. Sir!" she said, staring straight ahead. The pause before the Captain responded was so long that finally Janice dared to chance eye contact with him.

"This is your first assignment to a starship, Yeoman?" he had asked. He had smiled slightly as he said it. She couldn't tell if he was teasing her or if he was simply trying to be friendly and make her feel at ease.

"Yes, sir."

"You think you can handle the responsibility of being the personal yeoman to a starship captain?" he asked, his eyebrows raising slightly as he spoke, his smile not wavering. Janice paused, collecting her thoughts for a moment before tilting her chin and looking directly at him.

"I'm sure there'll be no problem, sir. _If_ the captain behaves himself," she answered, her eyes glinting mischievously and the smallest of smirks playing on the corners of her lips. He beamed at her.

"I make it a point never to make promises I can't keep," he replied, his hazel eyes sparkling with contained laughter. There was another pause as he held her gaze for a moment too long before continuing down the line. She exhaled very slowly, eking out an almost silent sigh for as long as she could. It was going to be a long five years, she thought.

Janice blinked a few times to snap the memory of their first meeting out of her mind. She ran her fingers through her hair and let out another sigh. How could one person be so foolish? She was good at her job. She enjoyed it. Not just because of the Captain. Yes, he was a strong, brave, heroic man. He was calm and level-headed in command, he was charming and charismatic, he reassured his crew at all times that they were valued and more than capable of the tasks they had been given. He generated self-confidence in every crew member aboard the Enterprise. It was more than him, though. She had fallen completely in love with the adventure of exploring new worlds and the knowledge that she was one of only a few hundred people from her entire planet who had the opportunity to go out into space, find out what it was really like. Starfleet had become her home, her family. She was happy. She had been so happy.

 _You've ruined everything!_

She hadn't meant for it to happen. Neither of them had meant for it to happen, of course. That didn't change anything. It had happened, that was all that mattered.

It was Kevin Riley's birthday, and, as he had told everyone for the two weeks leading up to the event, "Nobody celebrates like an Irishman!" He had certainly lived up to his word. A friend from the SS Triumph had managed to procure and transport over seven cases of Altairian brandy and, naturally, two cases of Irish whiskey for the celebration.

Janice hadn't had chance to join in any sort of party for months. She was almost ashamed to admit it but she felt quite light-headed after two glasses of brandy. Of course, she was not a woman to easily admit defeat, and two glasses of brandy inevitably led to another two. Someone started playing some taped music and soon everyone in the cafeteria was up and dancing as though they hadn't a care in the world.

"Kevin, you really do know how to throw a party!" she shouted over the music. Kevin laughed.

"I told you, Jan! Nobody celebrates like an Irishman!" he shouted back. She grinned at him and continued dancing to the music. Everyone cheered and applauded when the music changed to an old popular number guaranteed to get everyone on the dancefloor. As Janice looked around, she saw Jim sat at the table, gazing at her with that smirk still on his face. She looked back at him and tilted her head to the side curiously. Suddenly, he realised she was looking back at him and he turned away.

"Oh no you don't, Captain," she muttered as she strode over to him. "Captain, why aren't you dancing?" she asked. He grinned at her.

"I'm afraid I don't dance, Yeoman," he replied. She raised both eyebrows and folded her arms.

"Everybody dances, Captain. I've even seen Vulcans dance!" she said, pointing over to Spock who was indeed dancing with Dr McCoy. Spock's dancing style seemed to mainly involve rhythmic undulations of his neck and shoulders, while maintaining a completely deadpan expression. McCoy was a little rusty when it came to dancing, but as he liked to put it, "I still know how to cut a rug with the best of 'em!"

Jim had never expected to see his First Officer and Chief Medical Officer dancing together, and his instant reaction was to burst out laughing. Janice started giggling too and eventually held her hand out to him.

"Come on, Captain. We'll be gentle with you," she promised, smiling impishly at him. After a moment's pause, Jim took her hand and allowed himself to be helped up. Janice soon found that Jim hadn't lied. He was certainly no dancer. Not without a partner to hold onto, anyway. It was an oddly comforting feeling, to see a side of him that wasn't completely competent for a change. She took pity on him, grabbed his hands and helped him move in time to the beat of the music, much the way an adult would dance with a child.

Jim was beyond relieved when the music finally stopped and he could bid a hasty retreat back to his table. The next song that was played was slow and romantic and he felt Janice grab his wrist as he walked away.

"Surely you know how to step side-to-side in time, Captain?" she asked, looking up at him, her blue eyes large and unblinking. Jim let out a breath of awkward laughter and shrugged an acquiescence. He gently placed his hands on her waist and pulled her close to him. She straightened her back a little as she reached her hands up to his shoulders. She nervously looked over each of her shoulders and hoped to whichever deity was actually out there that nobody would notice the Captain slow-dancing with his Yeoman. How would it look? What would the crew think? What if the news got back to Starfleet Command? Thankfully, she didn't see anyone staring, so she looked back up at Jim and smiled softly at him. She relaxed a little as the music continued, and rested her head on his shoulder, moving closer to him as the song continued.

For no discernible reason, a wave of anxiety suddenly swelled in her chest and she pulled away sharply from him, gasping for breath. Jim looked a little alarmed at her actions and gently gripped her shoulders.

"Janice? Are you all right?" he asked. She looked up at him, ashamed and embarrassed, and shook her head.

"I'm sorry, sir. Please excuse me. I'm... I don't think I'm very well," she said, pulling away from him again and turning her back on him. She headed towards the door, making a slight detour to thank Kevin for inviting her to the party, and then she almost broke into a run in her haste to return to her quarters. As soon as she got there she went to her bathroom and started splashing cold water on her face, hoping to cool her burning cheeks. She concentrated on her breathing, trying to control it as she calmed down. After patting her face dry with a towel, she returned to her main bedroom and sat on the edge of her bed.

 _Slow-dancing with the Captain? What were you thinking!_

The knot that had slowly been untangling in her stomach tied itself tighter than ever when she heard a gentle tap on her door.

"Who is it?" she called, although part of her already knew who it was. The door slid open and she didn't know why she was surprised to see the Captain stood in her doorway. "Sir!" she began, standing up.

"Are you all right?" he asked, his face full of concern as he gestured for her to sit back down. She looked away from him and nodded.

"Just... just a little too much of that Altairian brandy, I think, Captain!" she said with a nervous giggle. He smiled softly at her.

"What are parties for if you can't get away with having one too many Altairian brandies?" he said. She looked up at him and swallowed before smiling silently back at him. "What's really the matter?"

"Captain-"

"Jim. Please. Just Jim."

"Jim," she said, "It's late and... you know we have a busy day ahead of us tomorrow."

"You didn't answer my question," he said. Janice remained silent. "May I sit down?" he asked. She shrugged and shuffled along the edge of her bed to make room for him. He sat down beside her and took hold of her hand. "What's the matter, Janice? Maybe I can help you."

"I'm sorry, Cap- Jim. I'm sorry. I should never have asked you to dance."

"I know I'm not the greatest dancer in Starfleet, but that's no reason for you to leave the party early!" he joked. She shook her head. It wasn't funny.

"It isn't right. A ship's captain dancing with his yeoman like that."

"It isn't right?"

"No."

"Did it feel right?"

"That isn't the point. It doesn't matter. We're... we're shipmates, sir. We're professionals. We... you're my captain!" she said. "Surely you can see-"

"There's nothing in regulations about dancing, Janice," he said, his voice soft and reassuring. "Did it feel right?" he repeated. She looked up at him and clamped her lips together for a moment before replying.

"Yes."

"And that's why you left?"

"Yes."

Jim was silent for a moment, mulling over Janice's words. She was right, of course. It wasn't proper at all for a ship's captain and yeoman to dance together like that. It wasn't proper for a ship's captain to feel the way he felt about his yeoman. She was right. They were professionals. They needed to keep a certain level of distance between themselves or gossip would spread through the ship like wildfire. He couldn't risk losing the confidence of the men and women aboard his ship if anything happened between himself and his yeoman.

"I'm sorry, Janice," he said, at last. She looked up at him.

"For what?" she asked, her eyebrows furrowing a little. He took hold of her by her shoulders and kissed her softly.

"For that," he said, no louder than a whisper, before kissing her deeply.

Now, Janice sat up in bed, the room in darkness, staring down at Jim's sleeping form beside her.

 _You have to run, Janice. You can't stay. Not now._

She sighed heavily and shook her head. Of all the impulsive, ill-advised things she had done in her life, this was by far the most foolish. Sleeping with a Starfleet captain! _Her_ Starfleet captain! That was never part of her plan. She was going to work hard, she was going to do a great job, she was going to _earn_ her place in Starfleet. She was going to be a female Starship captain one day! She wasn't going to be stuck as a yeoman forever! Now? Now what was she going to do? She couldn't stay.

Jim stirred in his sleep and she froze. His eyes flickered open and he looked up at her.

"Can't sleep?" he asked. She shook her head. "Come here," he said, pulling at her arm until she lay down beside him. He wrapped his arms around her and rested his chin on top of her head. "We can worry about it in the morning," he whispered. She kissed his chest lightly and tightened her grip around his waist before closing her eyes and allowing herself to drift to sleep.

 _If only things were different. We might have had a chance._

The following afternoon, Janice was attending to her usual daily duties when the loud-hailer system alerted her to the fact that the Captain wished to see her in his quarters. Her shoulders dropped and she felt her feet dragging her towards her destination as a feeling of dread welled up inside of her.

"You wanted to see me, Captain?" she asked, innocently. She stood in his doorway looking guiltily at him. He nodded and remained seated at his desk.

"Please come in," he said, grimly. She took two steps into the room and the door closed behind her. "I've just had word from Starfleet Command that my Yeoman has requested an immediate transfer to the USS Romany. They seemed concerned that you hadn't discussed this with me."

"Permission to speak freely, Captain?"

"I would welcome it."

Janice swallowed hard and took a deep breath before looking at Jim directly.

"We both know I can't stay here. Not now."

"Do you want to stay?"

"No."

Jim hadn't expected her response and couldn't hide his surprise at the firmness of her answer. He pursed his lips together and nodded.

"I see," he began. After a pause, he shook his head. "I don't see. I don't see at all. Why do you want to leave, Janice? Why do you want to leave the Enterprise? I thought you liked it here. I thought... I thought you liked _me_. That we had... I thought you would stay. If I asked you to, I thought you would choose..."

"Choose you? Choose you over the plans and dreams I've had since I was a little girl?" Janice asked. "Captain, I love Starfleet. I am proud to wear this uniform. This is all I have ever wanted. I am proud to work on the fleet's flagship. But I can't stay here, I can't jeopardise my career because of... because of my feelings for you."

"Your feelings for me?"

"You know how I feel about you. How much I care for you. I can't stay. I can't let these feelings grow into love. It wouldn't be right. For either of us. You have the Enterprise. You have a ship full of people who depend on you to treat them equally and fairly. It isn't right that I should stay and make your life more difficult. That isn't a yeoman's job," she said, her voice shaking with emotion as she tried to fight back tears.

"You haven't made my life more difficult."

"Don't tell me that!" Janice dropped her voice as though she was worried someone was listening. "Don't tell me that last night didn't change anything, sir. It changed everything."

Jim let out a heavy sigh. Of course it had changed everything. His head knew that she was being sensible and doing the only thing she could under the circumstances. His heart screamed at him to take her in his arms and kiss her, to tell her they would find a way around the situation, that he would do anything, change any staff rota, promote her, relocate her to another department, if only she would agree to stay with him for the rest of the voyage.

He hung his head for a few moments before looking up at her with a rueful grimace.

"I can't change your mind," he said. There was little point in him posing the sentence as a query.

"No, sir. I wish you could," she said, sadly.

"In that case, I shall inform Starfleet Command that I authorise your request with my full blessing and highest recommendation," he said.

"Thank you, Captain."

"I hope that, whatever adventures lay ahead for you, Janice... I hope you will be happy," Jim said, sincerely.

"I wish you the same, Jim," Janice replied, fighting with herself not to cry in front of him. "Will that be all, Captain?" she asked, straightening her back, setting her shoulders and looking at a fixed point in middle distance.

Jim stood up, walked over to Janice, wrapped his arms around her and kissed her for the last time.

 _Don't do this. Don't make this harder than it needs to be._

Jim reluctantly pulled away from her and took a few moments to look at her, committing every contour of her face and curve of her body to memory.

"Thank you, Yeoman. That will be all," he said, his voice full of regret. She pinched her lips together, nodded and left without a further word.

She heard the door slide shut behind her and allowed her shoulders to drop. The tears that had been threatening behind her eyes finally won their battle over her will and started running down her cheeks as she walked as quickly as she could, putting as much distance between herself and the Captain's quarters as she could before finally breaking into sobs in a quiet corridor. The tears didn't last long. After what could have been no longer than half a minute of indulgent tears, she wiped her eyes and smoothed back her hair. Taking several deep breaths, she let out a growl of frustration and forced herself to regain her composure. There would be time to cry later.

 _This is for the best, Janice. It's the only thing you can do. It's the_ right _thing to do._

Janice continued walking alone down the corridor. She had to believe her decision was the right one. It was the only one that she could have made under the circumstances. Mr Spock would have told her it was logical. The more she reassured herself of the logic in her decision, the faster her steps became and the lighter she felt inside. By the time she arrived in the recreation room, her trademark smile was once more plastered across her face.

"Janice! I haven't seen you all morning!" Uhura said with a grin. "Is everything all right?" she asked, noting her tear-stained face. Janice nodded.

"Everything is just the way it should be," she said, with a smile that she didn't quite believe in.

 **THE END**


End file.
